I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
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