New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
