There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
