I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
I had to cum in my sink.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
