the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
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