she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
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