I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
