Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Randomize
