I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
well most of my day revolves around power hour
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Randomize
