those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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