They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
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