my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
You are a genius and a whore.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Randomize
