I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Randomize
