The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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