Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
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