I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
Acid is not a monday night drug
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
