I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize
