i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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