just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Sext me about skeletons
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
