I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Randomize
