oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
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