Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize