Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
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