i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
