I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Randomize
