Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
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