I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize