apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
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