she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
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