I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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