that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Randomize
