I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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