Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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