he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
