Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Randomize
