Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
Randomize