he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
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