Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
My ATM looks so different sober.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Randomize
