That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
