You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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