Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
Randomize
