Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
