i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Randomize
