Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Randomize
