There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
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