My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Randomize
