Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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