I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
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