why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
