If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
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