Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
never play flip cup with pint glasses
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Randomize
