I will die if light touches me.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Randomize
