How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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