You can't special order awesome
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
I did not marry a roomba.
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