I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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