im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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