So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
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