I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
