ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Randomize
