Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Randomize
