Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
