Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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