Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
She was not exactly lady-like. Down there.
I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Randomize
